Functioning at work even when I can’t

New blog and all, so here’s a quick rundown: I’m 50, and have mild to moderate chronic depression, panic attacks and anxiety, and a bipolar disorder diagnosis that the second doctor said was incorrect, but the first doctor put in my chart that I had moderate bipolar disorder so now it’s on every one of my printed out prescriptions, so there ya go.

At the end of this past February a job offer came, to work from home, online. I thought I’ll be okay, I don’t have to go to an office job where I’ll feel awkward and become the weird inappropriate lady who talks too much. I can stay home in my PJ pants drinking coffee and taking breaks to run with the dog around the yard.

DeepEmotions

I loved the idea of the group work chat. I can only talk to my dog Titus for so long 🙂 I was getting so caught up in people virtually ‘listening’ to me that I started going on way too long with stories instead of keeping chat short and professional for the most part. I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel and how paranoid I would get when it seemed like people would be chatting with each other but stopping when I entered the chat.

Feel_Left_Out

It’s harder for me to do a learn-as-you-go job than I thought it would be and I have to consciously make myself not call myself dumb and stupid and an idiot when I mess up. I just wasn’t at all prepared for the realities of interacting with strangers who I had to rely on for information I needed to complete my tasks. I wasn’t ready for how to behave in a work group chat that is both professional and personal depending on the moods of everyone else who’s already worked there for a year or more.  I wasn’t ready for the feelings I would have about how someone replied to me versus someone else as if there’s a clique in place and I’m not in it.

FreakingOut

Somewhere deep inside me I have to find that little bit of confidence I was born with and grow it so I believe it, not just because other people tell me ‘you can do it.’ have to tell myself I can do it, know it every single day, and do that thing where you make yourself pretend you are confident until you are aka “fake it ’til you make it.” That’s how I intend to get through this, keeping my eye on that day in the future where all the training and help and desktop sticky notes of reminders will click and I’ll be doing the work and realize I haven’t needed to ask any questions in a while. That will be a good day.

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