Functioning at work even when I can’t

New blog and all, so here’s a quick rundown: I’m 50, and have mild to moderate chronic depression, panic attacks and anxiety, and a bipolar disorder diagnosis that the second doctor said was incorrect, but the first doctor put in my chart that I had moderate bipolar disorder so now it’s on every one of my printed out prescriptions, so there ya go.

At the end of this past February a job offer came, to work from home, online. I thought I’ll be okay, I don’t have to go to an office job where I’ll feel awkward and become the weird inappropriate lady who talks too much. I can stay home in my PJ pants drinking coffee and taking breaks to run with the dog around the yard.

DeepEmotions

I loved the idea of the group work chat. I can only talk to my dog Titus for so long 🙂 I was getting so caught up in people virtually ‘listening’ to me that I started going on way too long with stories instead of keeping chat short and professional for the most part. I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel and how paranoid I would get when it seemed like people would be chatting with each other but stopping when I entered the chat.

Feel_Left_Out

It’s harder for me to do a learn-as-you-go job than I thought it would be and I have to consciously make myself not call myself dumb and stupid and an idiot when I mess up. I just wasn’t at all prepared for the realities of interacting with strangers who I had to rely on for information I needed to complete my tasks. I wasn’t ready for how to behave in a work group chat that is both professional and personal depending on the moods of everyone else who’s already worked there for a year or more.  I wasn’t ready for the feelings I would have about how someone replied to me versus someone else as if there’s a clique in place and I’m not in it.

FreakingOut

Somewhere deep inside me I have to find that little bit of confidence I was born with and grow it so I believe it, not just because other people tell me ‘you can do it.’ have to tell myself I can do it, know it every single day, and do that thing where you make yourself pretend you are confident until you are aka “fake it ’til you make it.” That’s how I intend to get through this, keeping my eye on that day in the future where all the training and help and desktop sticky notes of reminders will click and I’ll be doing the work and realize I haven’t needed to ask any questions in a while. That will be a good day.

Guess Who’s Back? Tell A Friend

I once announced on Facebook, quite dramatically, that I was giving up on ever writing again as Table for Five. It was a reaction to losing my table4five dot net domain when the domain name renewal came due and I was not checking email or even thinking about it – which is a story for another post. By the time I remembered to type in the URL and see what was there, someone else had bought the domain, but at least it’s a food blog and fits the title.

I started my first blog in 2005 on the old Blogger, when clicking “post” sometimes meant that Blogger thought about it for a few seconds and then decided nope, and the post vanished. That frustration took me here to WordPress.com.  So, you might be wondering, why not just restart the old table4five.wordpress.com? Because I changed email addresses a couple of times and lost the activation key.

If you want to go look at table4five.wordpress.com, you’ll see a photo of me on the left hugging my longtime friend, blogger and Amazon.com bestselling author J. Sterling. I lost the password and can’t reset it because I have no way to access the old Outlook password I had back then. So I can look at my old blog all I want, I just can’t add to it. Thus, this blog.

I also changed the name of the blog, from Table for Five to Table4Five to match all of my social media accounts. I went with the more correctly written name last time, but table4five has fewer spaces for Twitter anyway 🙂

Why start a new blog now? Because of my new job. After decades of working retail, banking, and trying my hand at professional blogging, I am finally using the skills my parents and profs at MSU drilled into my head and getting paid to craft sentences that are correctly worded, grammatically correct and compliant. I’m doing writing for the cognitive behavioral therapy field, so as I’m writing, I’m internalizing.

Which means writing about someone’s trauma sometimes triggers me, as cliche as I know that word has become. But it’s a real thing in behavioral therapy, triggers are real and I have more than a few. So as I write, sometimes it puts me right back into situations I’d rather not remember. I need somewhere to write about that because I can only vent to my husband so much, he’s already worried this job will be too stressful for me.

I don’t know how often I’ll get the urge to write something. Posts might be long or short, about work or about a video I can’t stop watching or a song stuck in my head, or about my kids. The only label I would give this is “Personal” blog. There will be content that may be NSFW (not safe for work) or not appropriate for the eyes of the tiny humans, and I’ll say so at the beginning. I’m new to this again, so if anything looks wonky on your computer, tablet, or PC , please feel free to let me know.

Wow. I’m blogging. Again. Maybe.

Hopefully.

xoxo

Elizabeth